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Lordy Lordy Posting Date: Jun 2 2009 2:50AM It’s official. I’m four decades old. Stuff happens when you turn forty. People – often friends, sometimes enemies – photocopy your high ... Read more Three Two One Posting Date: May 25 2009 1:34AM When I married my wife, I got more than just a spouse. Turns out she came with her own flatware, some cool kitchen appliances, a good number of gard... Read more Themes Posting Date: May 11 2009 12:43AM When you’re in grade six, every week has a theme, which in my humble opinion, is really stretching it some weeks. I mean, a week is OK if it’s like the enviro... Read more Phase Seven and Beyond Posting Date: May 5 2009 1:01AM In recent days, we have all been introduced to the concept of the Alert Phases for the Pandemic – courtesy of the World Health Organization. We are currently at Pha... Read more Words That Should Be Posting Date: Apr 28 2009 3:52PM The English language is a powerful thing. It inspires people to victory and riot. It moves people to tears and laughter. It lifts hearts, sinks spirits and shap... Read more Make Things Better Posting Date: Apr 20 2009 2:51PM Luncheon meat is one. A car is two. A doughnut is three. A Coca-Cola is number four. ... Read more It\'s a Bunny Eat Bunny World Posting Date: Apr 11 2009 11:48PM When I started this job, the guy who trained me sat me down and explained it real clear – “This is a ten hour job.” He says it wit... Read more Mini Money Posting Date: Apr 5 2009 11:59PM Ever wonder what the World Bank does? They don’t have ATM’s. No one buys groceries with their World Bank MasterCard. The World Bank does not hold my... Read more Once is Never Enough Posting Date: Mar 30 2009 10:07AM Just in case you have never run a marathon or you happen to be from Kenya, here’s what should go through your mind the first time you cross a finish line at the end of a... Read more Amazing But True Posting Date: Mar 23 2009 12:52AM So this is what just happened. I was sitting in my family room watching a Toronto Raptors game on television. Nothing terribly amazing about that. ... Read more Bad News for a Change Posting Date: Mar 16 2009 12:13AM Oh my, but the news is all bad. The econo... Read more A CSI Universe Posting Date: Mar 9 2009 4:35PM I remember watching CNN during the O.J. Simpson trial (the first one, for the murders, not this most recent one for the armed robbery) and seeing a legal expert say at one poi... Read more Checkers Posting Date: Mar 2 2009 4:08PM When I was in grade two, I was on the school checkers team. That’s right, I was one of the cool kids. According to the little ribbon that I still have …... Read more A Bad Night of Television Posting Date: Feb 23 2009 12:10AM I wanted to watch TV tonight but mom said it was her night with the television because Oscar was on and I said, “But that’s stupid, mom. You don’t even ... Read more Gym Class Retrospective Posting Date: Feb 15 2009 10:59PM I started my scholastic career in horn-rimmed gl... Read more In Praise of All Things Hugh Grant Posting Date: Feb 9 2009 1:27AM I remember reading an anecdote in a magazine as retold by someone who knows Hugh Grant’s mother. The story goes like this … Mrs. Grant is at a party of some ... Read more The Magic of Garbage Posting Date: Feb 1 2009 9:41AM Allie Fox, the main character in Paul Theroux’s novel The Mosquito Coast said, “Ice is civilization.” I see his point. He thinks fire is t... Read more Winter Blows Posting Date: Jan 25 2009 11:53PM The way I remember it, everything was more bad-ass when I was a kid. The summers were hotter. The winters were colder. The rains of spring were wetter. The... Read more The Interesting Thing About Suffering Posting Date: Jan 18 2009 11:37AM The interesting thing about suffering is that people never want you to do it alone, which is odd. Generally, we are a selfish species built on DNA that promotes both the ... Read more Fearing for our Future Posting Date: Jan 12 2009 9:07AM I am scared poopless about the future of our country, our society … heck, our world. However, I’m not scared because of all of those ho-hum, got-the-T-shirt reasons li... Read more Resolving to Resolve Posting Date: Jan 4 2009 1:16PM Keeping your New Year’s resolutions can be a challenging task, almost as challenging as drafting your resolutions in the first place. Anyone experienced with making... Read more No More Sleeps Posting Date: Dec 28 2008 11:42PM It’s still dark which means I have to stay in my room. That’s the rule. Mom made the rule two years ago when I woke up on Christmas morning and went runn... Read more Run For Your Lives Posting Date: Dec 21 2008 2:12AM It starts building a week in advance when a few on-air meteorologist types breeze over the final day of the five-day forecast with a casual wave of a hand (usually in a carele... Read more The Barber Posting Date: Dec 14 2008 5:15PM Barbering has a long and distinguished history. It is, in fact, the world’s third-oldest profession right behind hookering and baking. It turns out that primit... Read more The Gregorian Calendar Posting Date: Dec 7 2008 9:28PM The Gregorian calendar, not the Jessica Alba swimsuit calendar, is the most widely used calendar in the world today. That makes it kind of important. The Gregorian c... Read more The First Draft is Always a Little Different - Part II Posting Date: Nov 30 2008 11:05PM Last week, SundayMonkey gave you a glimpse inside president-... Read more The First Draft is Always a Little Different Posting Date: Nov 23 2008 11:17PM SPEAKING NOTES FOR ... Read more The Unextinct Posting Date: Nov 13 2008 3:32PM Imagine the thrill of being the intrepid zoologist or lucky motorist combing the side of the highway for roadkill when you come upon an example of the black-footed ferret or A... Read more The Aftermath Posting Date: Nov 2 2008 6:53PM My tummy hurts. My teeth are rotting. My pillows don’t have pillowcases. ... Read more The Results Are In Posting Date: Oct 27 2008 2:16AM I never thought I would see it in my lifetime – the NDP just won the federal election. And almost as shocking, the Bloc Québecois came second. ... Read more Garages Again Posting Date: Oct 19 2008 9:15PM It’s a crazy time in SundayMonkeyLand, so crazy, in fact, that there has been no time this week to write a fresh column. Instead, in honour of the time of year ... Read more Thanksgiving Turkey Posting Date: Oct 12 2008 8:35PM Turkeys aren’t what they used to be. When I was a lad, times were hard and so were turkeys. Looked like pigeons, smelled like beef. Back then, you knew you had a good turkey if i... Read more The Worst Birthday Party Ever Posting Date: Sep 29 2008 12:23AM When mom told me we were having a birthday party, I thought it was going to be awesome, but then I learned that the party wasn’t for anybody good.&... Read more Parade of Turtles Posting Date: Sep 22 2008 1:56AM Last week, I planned to review the major party leaders in the Canadian federal election, but ran out of space after discussing Stéphane Dion. And can you blame me?... Read more Turtle Derby North Posting Date: Sep 14 2008 1:13AM If the American race for the White House is a one-on-one (OK, so it’s kind of two-on-two, but you can’t really count John McCain and Joe Biden because ... Read more Turtle Derbies Posting Date: Sep 7 2008 2:27PM It’s election time north and south of the 49th parallel. For those of you reading this from Barack Obama’s staff, the 49th parallel is i... Read more Love a Parade Posting Date: Aug 31 2008 11:22AM On the hierarchy of amusements, where exactly does the parade rank? Historically at least, it occupies a distinguished position. Back in the day, there was so little to do that a fun day out standing at ... Read more Back to School Shopping Posting Date: Aug 25 2008 1:00AM Mom took me back to school shopping this week. Before you get too excited, I want to confirm that it’s not nearly as fun as it sounds. You’d think, judgi... Read more Freaks of Nature Posting Date: Aug 18 2008 1:43AM Let’s think seriously for a moment about digestion, one of nature’s true miracles. It’s a process by which certain substances move slowly through certain organisms and come out... Read more Let The Games Begin Posting Date: Aug 10 2008 7:35PM The 2008 Summer Olympics are on and my give-a-crap meter hasn’t flickered. ... Read more Canadian History Continued Posting Date: Aug 4 2008 12:37AM The Dominion of Canada turned zero years old on July 1st, 1867 and let’s be honest, not much has happened since. We haven’t even won a Stanley Cup since 1993. Every o... Read more Old Guy Bits Posting Date: Jul 28 2008 12:31AM Apparently, your ears keep growing throughout your life. ... Read more Posted Exchange Rates Posting Date: Jul 20 2008 10:45PM When you walk through the concourse at any major airport, there is always a little glass booth containing a serious looking young man or woman dressed in something approaching... Read more Canadian History PDQ Posting Date: Jul 14 2008 12:51AM With Canada Day fading behind us in the calendar, SundayMonkey would like to remind the masses of the important milestones of our nation’s history.... Read more Road Trip V - Coming Home Posting Date: Jul 6 2008 8:56PM Seriously, you really should read back four weeks to the start of this series of col... Read more Road Trip IV - Welcome to Las Vegas Posting Date: Jun 30 2008 12:32AM Where have you been? This is week four of five in this spec... Read more Road Trip III - A Bad Place to Lose a Cow Posting Date: Jun 23 2008 12:26AM In 1992, I took a road trip to celebrate graduating ... ah, you know the rest. ... Read more Road Trip II - Rocky Mountain High Posting Date: Jun 15 2008 12:10AM In 1992, I took a road trip to celebrate graduating from univer... Read more Road Trip I - Border Crossing Posting Date: Jun 8 2008 7:01PM ... Read more Not Easy Being Raccoon Posting Date: Jun 1 2008 12:16AM Oh, OK. So my ass is big. So it’s disproportionately large compared to the rest of my body. So what? You think I don’t know? You think I en... Read more Memory Powers Activate Posting Date: May 25 2008 11:43PM Two weeks ago, I sat down to write a SundayMonkey. I got started, but either ran out of steam or got distracted or something, so I only composed the first 247 words. ... Read more The Law of Laws Posting Date: May 18 2008 1:03AM As far as we know, it started in Mesopotamia, which is one of those countries without an Olympic team, like Guernsey. ... Read more Mother Week Posting Date: May 12 2008 6:51PM When you’re in grade six, every week has a theme, which in my humble opinion, is really stretching it some weeks. I mean, a week is OK if it’s like the environment or government or s... Read more Life from the Sticky Seats Posting Date: May 5 2008 1:57AM Trees measure their growth in rings. They can look back – well, actually the lumberjack who cuts them down can look at the rings of the trees and see how many years... Read more Rocking the Sweater Vest Posting Date: Apr 27 2008 11:15PM It took me thirty-eight years and a graduate degree in English literature, but I finally figured out that the only man on the planet who should wear a sweater vest is my fathe... Read more The Correct Way to Welcome Spring Posting Date: Apr 20 2008 10:36PM Start digging in T-shirt drawer. Find Ocean Pacific shorts from Eighties. Hold shorts up to hips. Put shorts back in drawer. Keep dig... Read more Forty Freaking Percent Posting Date: Apr 13 2008 11:42PM A new Ipsos-Gallop-SundayMonkey poll reports that 40 percent of North American adults have bladders the size of golf balls and brains no bigger. ... Read more The Uninvention List Posting Date: Apr 6 2008 7:07PM You can’t put the genie back in the bottle, but you can shame those who rely on his powers. You can make genie use an ugly... Read more A Letter to President Bush Posting Date: Mar 30 2008 6:09PM Mr. George W. Bush President ... Read more Cool For Sale Posting Date: Mar 23 2008 12:50AM The first thing I ever bought that was cool cost $1.60. I picked it up at the Hobby Shop in Westcliffe Mall and paid with a dollar bill and a fist of mismatched change.&n... Read more Life Is What Happens Posting Date: Mar 16 2008 12:33AM When you were a child and the scope of your world was defined by the cartoons you watched on Saturday mornings and the streets you were not allowed to cross in the afternoons,... Read more The Snowblower Chronicles Posting Date: Mar 9 2008 10:21PM Technology is something we humans invented to take the blame for our own shortcomings. As practical and beneficial as our best inventions are, they never do more in the service of humanity than ... Read more League Night Posting Date: Mar 2 2008 11:58AM The cavemen gather, huddling close, as if against the weather. The circle they make around the food is tight. Their hands grab at the dripping, fatty limbs of the de... Read more Proximity Warning Posting Date: Feb 27 2008 11:46AM If it’s Valentine’s Day at 4pm and you find yourself in the Shoppers Drug Mart sifting through the remnants of the Valentine’s Day cards in the hope of finding something that doesn&... Read more Eyes Forward and Watch for Monsters Posting Date: Feb 17 2008 12:35PM When I was a little kid, I would go to sleep with my back to the wall and my eyes on my bedroom door because that was the way monsters, thieves, murderers, aliens, centipedes,... Read more The Late Worm Posting Date: Feb 10 2008 6:38PM Benjamin Franklin famously said, “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Of course, Ben has been dead since 1790, so look where that piece of advice ... Read more Snow Day Posting Date: Feb 3 2008 10:53AM When I woke up, it was snowing hard, with the big flakes, so I started getting excited. Mom told me to just calm down because it wasn’t going to snow enough, not enough to close the schools. I thought Mom was wrong, but I kept that little secr... Read more Naming the Important Things Posting Date: Jan 27 2008 8:28PM Reader Advisory: This SundayMonkey contains immature subject matter. Parental discretion is advised. Please call my mother for permission to read past paragraph ... Read more How to Make a Million Dollars - Baby Style Posting Date: Jan 20 2008 9:13PM Where I came from, the world was small. This place now, however, is pretty much the exact opposite. It’s big. It’s huge. It’s also bright... Read more Babies and the Laws of Physics Posting Date: Jan 13 2008 4:40PM Babies are sponges. They soak up information and experiences, learning like a Shop-Vac sucking sawdust. It’s a magical process to watch. ... Read more I Swear I Thought That Was My Taxi Posting Date: Jan 6 2008 12:02AM Here’s how it played out … as best as I remember it. ... Read more Bye Bye Youth Posting Date: Dec 30 2007 1:50AM It’s official – I have lost my youth. It has disappeared like a Nicole Kidman movie from the multiplex, not to be reclaimed again until the giddy early days of my eventual retirement when I start taking a 2 pm nap ever... Read more The Christmas Rule Posting Date: Dec 23 2007 10:46PM Crap and a half. It’s still dark. This is how last Christmas started and we know how that turned out … Mom had to make the Christmas Rule. The Christmas Rule sucks.... Read more The Secrets of Successful People Posting Date: Dec 16 2007 12:04AM So let me get this straight. If you’re the leader of a G-8 nation, it’s actually not a problem for you to take envelopes filled with cash from would-be arms dealers. I mean, it&... Read more When We Want To Posting Date: Dec 10 2007 12:52AM I’m not sure I even have to write this column. It is December, after all, and that means making allowances for the holidays, steering clear of social obligations, and working around tasks like decorating and baking. And then there’s the ... Read more The Cynical Traveler Posting Date: Dec 2 2007 1:52AM I’m writing this as my flight from Toronto to Washington prepares to take off. As the pre-departure safety video plays, it occurs to me that if you are not already familiar with the workings of a seatbelt, you might not be qualified for the challen... Read more Sunday Monkey Day Posting Date: Nov 25 2007 1:42PM This past Thursday was Thanksgiving in the United States. As far as I can tell from the outside looking in, Thanksgiving seems like a worthy American holiday. The best part is that it always happens on a Thursday which means that no one ever works t... Read more The Big Questions Posting Date: Nov 18 2007 12:29AM Apparently, my alma mater is starting something called “The Big Questions Institute.” This is probably a good thing for the people who care about questions like: Why is there life on Earth?&nb... Read more To Hell And Back Posting Date: Nov 12 2007 2:30AM If half the fun is getting there, then it stands to reason that the tough part of going to hell and back is the journey. In fact, if you do the math, since there’s a trip to hell and trip back from hell and just one stop in... Read more When I Grow Up Posting Date: Nov 4 2007 9:55PM ... Read more A New Study Shows Posting Date: Oct 29 2007 1:31AM Researchers at the University of Texas, which has a very good football team, recently completed a study that compiled “the 237 reasons people have sex.” I didn’t r... Read more The Peter Principle Posting Date: Oct 20 2007 9:46PM Ever wonder why Christian Slater stopped being a big movie star and starting making guest appearances on My Name is Earl? It’s the Peter Principle. Christian simply got promoted to his level of incompetence and the movie-going public ... Read more Computer Glitch Posting Date: Oct 14 2007 12:57AM Its inner workings are a mystery of capricious light speed and silicon. It is both a tool of awesome potential and a boat anchor on your forward progress. It is your computer.... Read more The Worst Holiday Posting Date: Oct 7 2007 10:36PM I may only be in third grade, but I know one thing that grown-ups don’t – Thanksgiving sucks. ... Read more Mantime World Posting Date: Oct 1 2007 11:02PM Einstein, and you can look this up, famously postulated that time is relative. He used mathematics to show that time, despite the best efforts of Rolex and cuckoos, expands and contracts depending on things like speed and perspective.&nb... Read more The Cutting Room Floor Posting Date: Sep 24 2007 8:54AM Ever wonder why your life isn’t like a Hollywood movie? It’s the editing. Think about the la... Read more Dead Bee Mathematics Posting Date: Sep 16 2007 10:56PM There’s a dead bee in the middle of my floor. He’s lying there, belly-up, like a murder victim waiting for a chalk outline. I’m fine with it, though. It’s not my first brush with death. I kill interloping... Read more Back To School Posting Date: Sep 9 2007 12:57AM Mom made me go back to school. I asked not to go. I said, “Please,” and everything. When that didn’t work, I even used what mom would call “logic.” She said, “All your friends will be at schoo... Read more Black Mood Rhyming Posting Date: Sep 3 2007 12:13AM Close your eyes and think back for a while, to some dark day when you just couldn’t smile. Your face hung down and your eyes drooped low, and you waited and wallowed for a new breeze to blow. You tried happy thoughts, a bath and junk food, but no... Read more Divining Men - Part II Posting Date: Aug 26 2007 2:02AM Last Week: We pulled back the curtain and exposed men for the simple creatures they are. This week, we rip the curtain from its little hooky things and throw the whole paisley mess to the ground where we stomp on it as if... Read more Divining Men - Part I Posting Date: Aug 19 2007 10:31PM If you’re a heterosexual woman over the age of twenty-five and you do not have men completely figured out by now, well, you’re not trying very hard, are you? Determining what pushes men’s buttons is easier than figuring... Read more Big Screen, Big Adventure Posting Date: Aug 12 2007 11:35PM Most of the time, it’s sticky. Then, when you least expect it, it’s slippery. The carpet on the stairs is so saturated with old root beer that it feels like walking on toffee. The seat folds down, but never at exactly the... Read more The Evolution of Pressure Posting Date: Aug 6 2007 12:21AM Run or you’re lunch. Now that’s pressure. When you’re the only gimpy impala on the savannah and the local cheetah gets hungry, you need a little extra boost to help you live to graze another day. That’s why ev... Read more If Only Life Were Like Sports Posting Date: Jul 29 2007 10:45AM Life should be more like a sport season. Every sport year divides into the pre-season, the regular season, the play-offs and the off-season. In soccer, we call the pre-season “friendlies.” In tennis, the play-offs are the... Read more A Field Guide to Garages Posting Date: Jul 22 2007 11:06PM It’s the poor cousin of your house. You never sleep in it. Family never gathers in it. It rarely gets a makeover, air conditioning or carpeting. It has the most unwieldy doors in your home, smells funny (like a salad with ... Read more Armageddon All Over Again Posting Date: Jul 15 2007 9:48PM Global warming scares the runny bejesus out of me. My only comfort – and a hollow one it is – is that I’m likely to be dead by the time the consequences of this phenomenon are at their most dire. When human civilization ... Read more Weddings and Shakespeare Posting Date: Jul 8 2007 10:15PM Weddings, like horse racing, are a spectator sport. They are both about the show, about the crowds, about the drinking and eating and even the gambling. ... Read more You Are Going to Love the Cottage Posting Date: Jul 2 2007 1:31AM You are going to love the cottage. Love it! It has everything – the lake, the woods, the quiet. It’s awesome. Just ... Read more Brand Power and the Price of Peace Posting Date: Jun 24 2007 11:29PM I still remember the too-clean smell of rubber and canvas under fluorescent lighting. It was a comforting whiff of the Fifties that made you happy in the way of your favourite frozen food or a Warner Brothers cartoon. Sadly, it was tainted by a waft of s... Read more Wedding Planning and Other Fantasies Posting Date: Jun 18 2007 4:59AM Getting engaged is easy. Getting married is hard. This I am discovering... Read more The Great Wheeled Mousetrap Posting Date: Apr 2 2007 2:56PM If we really needed a better mousetrap, we probably would have invented one by now. I mean, they’re just mice. Their brains are small, their legs are short and they are famously obsessed with cheese. Surely we coul... Read more Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss Posting Date: Mar 20 2007 12:13PM What has a slight paunch, a slowly retracting hairline and sways arrhythmically on 40,000 legs? The audience at a Bruce Springsteen concert. When 20,000 benignly intoxi... Read more Routine Maintenance Posting Date: Mar 20 2007 12:12PM There are two types of men. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. There are those who understand the workings of the modern automobile and those who do not. There is no middle ground, only a poseur class of tenth-grade autoshop glory-day-dreamers who ... Read more |
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