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The Christmas Rule Posting Date: Dec 23 2007 10:46PM Crap and a half. It’s still dark. This is how last Christmas started and we know how that turned out … Mom had to make the Christmas Rule. The Christmas Rule sucks.
Just because last Christmas I woke up grandma, almost set the house on fire and nearly burned my family to death, that’s no reason to make up a special rule. My stupid sister would have done the same thing, but she’s too young to know about coffee. It’s not my fault no one ever told me not to try to make coffee without “adult supervision.” On TV, coffee always wakes people up, so it seemed like a pretty good idea. I’d do it again if it wasn’t against the stupid rule.
I had seen mom make coffee plenty of times. So what if I turned on the wrong stove element and ended up with a flaming package of instant coffee? No one got hurt except dad who stubbed his toe running downstairs to get the fire extinguisher. But then he put it in the furnace room instead of someplace closer, so who’s fault is that?
If you woke up at 2:14 on Christmas morning and couldn’t get back to sleep and you tried making all the fake noises you could to wake people up so that you could pretend it was an accident but still get your presents early, but it didn’t work so you remembered mom saying that grandma wakes up before dawn and you weren’t sure when dawn was except it was really early and 2:44 seemed like a really early time to you, so you called your grandma and apparently 2:44 isn’t really early, it’s actually really late, you’d try to use your imagination to come up with a better plan, which is what I did.
I remembered that coffee helps grown-ups greet the morning and stuff, so I thought if I made coffee, mom and dad would wake up and we could get Christmas started and then I wouldn’t have to go back to sleep which was impossible anyway because it was Christmas morning for crying out loud.
Turns out the coffee didn’t wake them up nearly as quickly as when I started yelling, “Fire! Fire!” which makes perfect sense if you think about it.
Maybe I should just do that again. The Christmas Rule doesn’t say not to yell “Fire,” it just says not to start a fire which I’m pretty sure I don’t need to do before I start yelling.
The only problem is Santa Claus. I’m pretty sure that by 3:02 in the morning, the presents are already delivered and I’m also pretty sure that there really isn’t a Santa Claus anyway, but I don’t want to take the chance of pissing him off, just in case. And if there is no Santa Claus, that would be no good because that would mean that Santa is actually mom and dad and they would probably be mad enough at me for breaking the Christmas Rule to take back all my presents or worse, give them to my sister who is so little she still likes to chew on things for no reason.
I stopped chewing on things for no reason a long time ago, so I’m a big boy. I should be allowed to wake up when I want and try to make coffee as long as no one gets killed, which is pretty simple if you just put the fire extinguisher in a place that makes sense.
I could just go to the bathroom and flush the toilet as loud as I can, but I’m not sure it works that way. It would be cool if it did, though. A toilet with a volume control would be about the coolest thing ever. That way, you could pee silent when you don’t want people to hear. I bet if I invented the volume control toilet, I could open my Christmas presents any time I wanted because I would be rich and no one could tell me when to stay in bed, when to make coffee or how loud to pee. It would be awesome.
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