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The Big Questions Posting Date: Nov 18 2007 12:29AM Apparently, my alma mater is starting something called “The Big Questions Institute.” This is probably a good thing for the people who care about questions like: Why is there life on Earth? How do we define “truth?” Is mankind a creation of God, or vice versa? What is life?
Whatever.
The real question should be, “Who cares?”
The problem with a Big Questions Institute is that big questions got big exactly because no one can answer them definitively, so while it may be interesting and fun to pursue an answer, it’s not like one day there’s going to be a big breakthrough and some professor is going to leap up from his desk to trumpet the final answer to the question, What is life?
Won’t happen.
If we want to be productive and enhance society where the rubber meets the road, we really need to create instead the Institute of Mundane Questions (IMQ). This institute – and I offer my services as the institute’s founding director – will focus on the questions that have no answers, simply because no one has asked. With the proper funding and facilities, I think we can safely pledge to achieve one definitive eureka moment every three or four hours. Basically, if we haven’t contributed substantially to the body of human knowledge by lunchtime, we’re slacking.
In our first week alone, we plan to pursue the solutions to the following questions:
Has one squirrel actually ever caught another squirrel? If so, what happens then?
When we look for something and find it with difficulty, why do we always then put that thing back in a “special place” knowing full well that the next time we want to find it, we will remember the place we last discovered it, not the new, “special” location?
Do dogs think that humans are just tall, bald dogs who happen to have opposable thumbs, or do they think we are magic?
Why do people believe that a one-calorie diet cola is more powerful than an all-you-can-eat buffet?
When gas prices are suddenly cheap, why do people line up to save eighty cents a tank, idling their gas tanks down to empty in the process?
Why does ice cream taste better standing up?
In our rush to protect everyone from harm, including the idiots among us, are we, in fact, building an idiot-proof society? And when we start producing nothing but idiots, does that mean we will have succeeded?
Why can I never successfully scratch an itch on my foot? Or on my hand, for that matter.
Will we ever hit a point of human evolution when we will have the answer to the question, “How stupid can you be?”
Why does a back scratch feel so good, even when I’m not itchy?
Have we established definitively that anything does not cause cancer?
Is there a way to measure luck like you would contaminants in drinking water? If so, who do we name the scale of luck after – George W. Bush or Ringo Starr?
Can somebody please give me a logical explanation for Ben Stiller?
When someone makes a movie set in Russia, Africa or the Middle East, why do we think that anyone speaking with a British accent is a good actor?
If conspiracy theorists work together, is that a conspiracy?
Considering that it is the world’s most rare and valuable commodity, shouldn’t we have a different name for “common sense?”
There are six strings on a guitar and twenty-four letters in the alphabet. Do we really need two E-strings?
Can we, once and for all, decide whether someone performing “above par” is doing well or doing poorly?
Is the first time you have to grunt when you bend over to tie your shoes the dividing line between youth and not-youth?
Actually, the IMQ better get up and running soon because I need an answer to that last question ASAP. I need to know if I just became the kind of person who thinks that it’s pretty darn cool to have 4:30 pm dinner reservations at Swiss Chalet. |
