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The Worst Holiday Posting Date: Oct 7 2007 10:36PM I may only be in third grade, but I know one thing that grown-ups don’t – Thanksgiving sucks.
Thanksgiving is like all the good holidays, but with the fun stuff taken out. On Valentine’s Day, you get candy. On Easter, you get candy. On Hallowe’en you get candy. On Christmas, you get presents. On Thanksgiving, you get turnips and squash. Like I said … sucks.
This year, I decided I could make Thanksgiving better if I dressed up as Spider-Man. Uncle Jim thought it was great, but mom said he was drunk so his opinion didn’t count. My opinion already doesn’t count, so when I grow up and start drinking, no one will ever listen to me.
Thanksgiving is such a crappy holiday, you can’t even dress up as your favourite superhero for dinner. It’s not like I dressed up as Batman or anything. I could see how that would be bad because Batman’s underwear is on the outside of his costume and you don’t want anyone wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants when your relatives are over for dinner because then you have to worry about whether your underwear is clean or not and I can never really tell what’s clean and what’s dirty. Mom seems to be really good at figuring that out, but then she always says it’s time for a clean pair, so maybe she doesn’t even really check.
Anyway, even I know that you need to have your underwear on the inside of your pants before you have dinner with your grandmother, which is why I went with Spider-Man.
If you’re not wearing a costume, Thanksgiving is pretty sucky. You sit around in the living room with a bunch of relatives not getting any presents or eating any candy and you wait for mom to come out from the kitchen and announce that dinner’s ready which is a big hairy deal for the grown-ups, but it’s pretty much crap out loud for the kids because there’s no pizza or cake and you never get to have pop with the turkey like you do sometimes when it’s dad’s night to cook and he just comes home with hamburgers and onion rings and makes you promise not to tell mom what you ate which is easy to promise because mom always comes home and says, “What did you guys eat for dinner? Burgers?” So you don’t have to say anything and that way it’s like keeping a secret and telling the truth which is almost impossible to do most of the time so when things work out that way, you’re pretty much relieved.
At the dining room table, everybody gets all squished together, which I hate because I’m always bumping elbows with Aunt Helen. I can’t help it. When I cut things, my elbows stick out. So sue me. Aunt Helen always gives me a lecture about table manners and I want to tell her that if I can’t stick out my elbows and cut my meat, I’ll have to put the whole slice of turkey in my mouth at once which would make me gag everything up, probably on to her plate, and that would be a serious problem on the table manners front because I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to spit chewed turkey onto your aunt’s dinner. That’s probably worse than wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants.
Every holiday in the world comes with a good desert. Not Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving, you get pumpkin pie which is like getting a second helping of vegetables. If you get whip cream, which we did once, that’s pretty good because then you don’t need to chew the pie and the whip cream just slides it down into your tummy.
Dad says that the pumpkin is a “gourd,” which is a good word because it sounds funny. Now I use it all the time to describe stupid things that should be better, like deserts that could taste like chocolate but actually taste like vegetables.
Thanksgiving is totally gourd. How long to Hallowe’en? |
