|
ARCHIVES
|
No More Sleeps Posting Date: Dec 28 2008 11:42PM It’s still dark which means I have to stay in my room. That’s the rule. Mom made the rule two years ago when I woke up on Christmas morning and went running into mom and dad’s bedroom to get things started on the present opening, but it was actually 2:14 am, so they kicked me out and told me to go back to sleep but I couldn’t sleep because it was Christmas and then the only thing I could think to do was maybe make enough noise that mom and dad would wake up and get Christmas started early but there aren’t that many noises you can make in your bedroom in the middle of the night without mom and dad knowing what you’re up to so I ended up coughing really loud for like an hour and eventually I was coughing for real and I ended up with a sore throat and then some kind of mystery flu and I had to go to the hospital on Boxing Day which dad didn’t mind so much because we got out of driving to London to have dinner with my aunt and uncle who can’t cook and probably wouldn’t have had a turkey but instead something like a casserole, but no matter what good things came out of it, mom didn’t like having to wake up at two in the morning so she made the rule and I live by the rules on Christmas because you never know how powerful Santa Claus might with the ability to take back presents that are already delivered.
Anyway, I’m going to play it safe and stay in my room.
I’ll just lie here … waiting for a little daylight outside.
This sucks.
If it weren’t for the stupid rule, you could make a pretty solid argument that Christmas begins the second Santa leaves your house. That’s when the presents arrive, so after that, what are you waiting for?
I know the presents are here. I can smell them. I saw this thing on sharks on the Discovery Channel and they can smell a single drop of blood in the water from like two thousand miles away. I’m like that with Christmas presents. The blood is in the water and I’m trapped in my bedroom. This is how sharks get angry and eat people. Maybe I’ll eat someone today, just like an angry shark.
I’d do it, too, except I’m pretty sure that eating people will put you on Santa’s naughty list and we already know that the extent of his repossession powers is an unknown. You don’t want to mess with an unknown when the stakes are this high.
It’s possible, though, that there may be some wiggle room. I mean, if I had to go to the washroom, like really badly, mom would probably want me to leave my room and pee in the toilet rather than stay in my room, not break the rule, but piss all over the bed. So really, this rule is a little less than iron-clad.
With this in mind, I open my door. Surely, mom can’t be against a little air circulation. She wouldn’t want me suffocating to death due to lack of oxygen and stuff. Surely she would support me opening the door to save my life. It’s like a given. If the choice is to have your one and only son die a slow and painful death due to suffocation or have your son’s door open just a little bit before daylight on Christmas day, most mothers would prefer that the door be open. That’s just my opinion, but I think I can count on my mother to do the right thing in this case.
And if the door’s open, I might as well stretch my legs. I heard mom talking about something called an embolism which is what happens when you die because you don’t stretch your legs. So given the choice, I’m pretty sure that …
Wait. Mom and dad’s door is opening!
“Scott.”
“Yes mom?”
“Go back to bed.”
“But I’m following the rules.”
“I don’t care if you’re following the rules. It’s December 23rd. Go back to bed.”
Crap. |
