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The Unextinct Posting Date: Nov 13 2008 3:32PM Imagine the thrill of being the intrepid zoologist or lucky motorist combing the side of the highway for roadkill when you come upon an example of the black-footed ferret or Attenborough’s long-beaked echidna. These species, once thought to be extinct, have been discovered again, which just goes to show you that maybe mankind isn’t as good at destroying things as we thought and that you never know what’s out there … lurking, skulking, just waiting to be rediscovered when you least expect it.
I was thinking of Attenborough’s long-beaked echidna just the other day when I encountered a beautiful representative of a species I thought to be long since expunged from nature – the married couple with identical hairstyles. Like a lucky amateur anthropologist, I wasn’t looking for such a breakthrough find, but I stumbled across it as the gorgeous pair left its natural habitat to venture out to the airport and fly from Toronto to Milwaukee.
Walking up the jetway, I had a spectacular view of spouselium identicoiffurious as they waddled two-abreast just a metre in front of me, slowing my progress measurably but giving me a glimpse into the once-forgotten glory of this magnificent genus. As with most examples of their kind, these two featured spectacularly blow-dried middle parts with high, feathered bangs and matching Kentucky waterfalls down the backs of their necks. The female’s Billy Ray Cyrus, of course, was just a little shorter than the male’s. These two should have been in a museum.
Before I could humanely chloroform them to take them back to a zoo for study and their own protection, they disappeared into the undergrowth of fellow travelers and they were gone … hopefully not forever.
This rare sighting got me thinking about other vanished species that may not be vanished at all. I took it upon myself to find the unfindable and in just a short period of time, I was able redefine our understanding of the natural world.
Once thought only to exist only in captivity, where they are most often found caged in basement storage rooms or wedged onto a cob-webby corner shelf between a moldy cooler and last year’s kindling in the garage, the automotive seat cover is making a comeback. After a careful reintroduction program that began in taxi cabs across North America, the seat cover appears to be safe for now. There are least two dozen breeding pairs known to exist in the Midwest and soon, if the warm winters continue, we expect to see beaded seat covers in Canada by 2012.
I also sincerely believed that we had seen the last of the great, gelatinous men who would order a double burger with fries for breakfast. I was wrong. Once again, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I spotted such a man. The sighting occurred in a hotel, so I want to be clear to the good people of Milwaukee that all we know about this odd creature is that he was from out of town. I like to think he was visiting from Las Vegas, land of the twenty-four hour buffet. By the way, he washed it all down with a Diet Pepsi.
Finally, I have been to Arizona. I know for a fact that the last time I was there, the state featured a wide spectrum of citizens representing a large number of ethnicities and races. I remember speaking with people who were Hispanic, African-American and Asian.
However, if you watched John McCain’s concession speech from Phoenix on November 4, you got the overpowering impression that Arizona is whiter than an episode of Petticoat Junction. What happened to all the black people? I had no idea until I saw the McCain speech that white folks were the only people left in state of the Grand Canyon.
If there were people without white skin in Arizona, apparently John McCain didn’t know where to find them, so it was up to me.
I was just about to book my flight and start my mission when I realized … Shaquille O’Neal plays for the Phoenix Suns. Mission accomplished. I mean seriously, would it have killed the Republicans to invite Shaq and a couple of his buddies to the speech? |
