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Parade of Turtles Posting Date: Sep 22 2008 1:56AM Last week, I planned to review the major party leaders in the Canadian federal election, but ran out of space after discussing Stéphane Dion. And can you blame me? The man is electric. He’s Stephen Segal wearing Sarah Palin glasses and speaking like Inspector Clouseau. Electoral magic!
Of course, in this election, that might be just enough to win because the competition is underwhelming.
Gilles Duceppe leads the Bloc Québécois, having spent his childhood in a family he claims was “imbued with solidarity.” For the record, I would like to be imbued with solidarity. I think that sounds exciting. Duceppe also notes in his official biography that he spent a lot of time playing team sports as a child. This matters apparently because there young Gilles learned “the value of teamwork.” Since Monsieur Duceppe has to pad his biography with feeble accomplishments from his childhood, I cannot vote for him … that and wants to rip Canada apart.
Elizabeth May is the leader of the Green Party, which would noteworthy if the party actually had a chance to, you know, win a seat or something. (There is a Green MP right now, but he’s a convert. He was elected as a Liberal.) Having the Green Party wandering around in federal politics like a do-gooding, unbleached, floppy-eared new puppy gives Canadians a nice warm feeling by making us feel like do-gooders ourselves with actually doing any good. Of course, the Green Party is doing to the Liberals in this election what the Reformers did to the Progressive Conservatives during the Chrétien dictatorship – they are scooping up the fringe votes from the major party closest to them on the political spectrum and thus handing the leadership of the country to the political party they detest most. Congratulations, Elizabeth May.
Then there’s Jack Layton and his New Democratic Party. The NDP practically invented the art of the politics of the irrelevant. Every federal election, New Democrats pray for a minority government just so they can be relevant for about seven minutes. Of all the federal party leaders not named Gilles Duceppe, Layton is the only one, however, who looks like he dresses himself in a well-lit room. This might be enough to capture my vote, except he clearly lacks the connection to reality that most people expect of the leader of a G8 nation. I swear that when you listen to Layton speak, it sounds like he actually believes that he might someday be prime minister of Canada. I can’t vote for someone with delusions like that. He’d be more likely to earn my support if he thought he was a giant apple fritter. I support the struggle of the apple fritter.
And finally, there’s shark-eyed Stephen Harper, leader of the (don’t call me progressive) Conservative Party and prime minister of Canada. Given the competition, I might actually vote for Harper, except that he’s an evil oil-sucking robot made from Ralph Klein’s spare body parts.
The prime minister got this turtle derby started by calling the election in contravention of legislation that he himself campaigned for and passed. When someone starts breaking laws that he made, you really have to wonder about the man’s integrity … or at least his memory. Harper has a number of attributes, however, that make him fit to rule. No one wears a fishing vest to a G8 summit like our prime minister, so that’s good. He lists his wife’s biography under the “Leader” tab on his party’s website, so you have to admire him for letting us know who’s really running the country. He also collects coins, hockey books and … wait for it … atlases, so you know he’s cool in that, “Hey baby, want to come over to my house and see my silver dollar?” kind of way. Voting for Stephen Harper is like voting for the president of your high school’s AV club, if that kid had a nasty streak and a powerful wife.
After reviewing all the candidates, there is obviously no way to cast a ballot in a responsible fashion. No matter who wins, the country loses. The only strategy that makes any sense in this race is to vote SundayMonkey. |
