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Turtle Derbies Posting Date: Sep 7 2008 2:27PM It’s election time north and south of the 49th parallel. For those of you reading this from Barack Obama’s staff, the 49th parallel is important because it forms part of the border between the United States of America and the Dominion of Canada.
In the coming months, the citizens of both great nations will cast their ballots for the person they feel is best qualified to run their respective countries. It will be a soul-stirring example of democracy in two nations full of pride in their democratic traditions.
There’s only one problem … there’s no one worth voting for in either country.
American citizens are saddled with a political system that’s the governing equivalent of McDonald’s ill-fated McDLT where the hot side was hot and the cool side was cool. The Democrats and Republicans make a lot of noise in campaigns about how different they are, but in the end, everyone knows that the day after the inauguration, the hot side comes together with the cold side to make one crappy governing hamburger.
For Canadians, voting is like a trip to a cafeteria buffet. You’re spoiled for choice, but none of the parties is particularly appetizing, especially the ones that have been sitting under the heat lamps for way too long. Pick something fresher and it just makes your selection irrelevant, like ordering tacos at a Chinese take-out.
Of course, none of this would matter if there were good candidates, people who had earned your vote and trust, while capturing your imagination. Sadly, ain’t no such person running. This week, SundayMonkey comments on the Americans, but next week, Canadian politicians get equal mocking.
In the United States, there are four people on the two tickets in the “race.” It’s not a race, however, it’s a turtle derby in which underqualified, bizarrely-credentialed turtles stumble toward the finish line with a chance to win only because they’re competing against other turtles.
If John McCain gets elected and serves two terms, he will be older than my aunt who has a LifeLine bracelet in case she falls down. McCain disagrees with many positions of his own party, unless he decides that because it’s Wednesday, he agrees. He represents the “family values” party, but his first marriage split up when he started screwing around prolifically on his long-suffering wife. Ladies and gentlemen, the next president of the United States!
McCain’s running mate has
To anyone who wasn’t paying real close attention before 2008, Barack Obama appears to have been created by Oprah Winfrey like the result of some sort of science experiment. He makes speeches like a Kennedy, but has the governing experience of a Fonzarelli. He is in his third whole year in Washington and admits to doing a little pot and blow back in high school. He thinks Canada has a president and he has a track record of treating religion like a tapas menu. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Camelot 2008!
Obama’s running mate, Joseph Biden, lost his own presidential bid twenty years ago to Michael Dukakis which is pretty much like losing a tennis match to a piece of wood. One of the reasons Biden lost was that his campaign was submarined by the revelation that he was a plagiarist in law school where you would expect students might have a class or two in ethics, or whatever. His greatest governing experience is as chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Speaking as a foreigner, Biden would have been better served by simply leaving that line off his resume.
Ladies and gentlemen, these are your candidates. Pick your preferred pair of turtles and watch the fun. |
