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The Correct Way to Welcome Spring Posting Date: Apr 20 2008 10:36PM Start digging in T-shirt drawer. Find Ocean Pacific shorts from Eighties. Hold shorts up to hips. Put shorts back in drawer. Keep digging. Pull out pair of golf shorts from early Nineties. Tug at frayed edges; make frayed edges worse. Breathe deeply. Pull on shorts.
Go to basement and find ski equipment. Look behind ski equipment for sandals. No sandals there. Look behind furnace. No sandals. Look in laundry room in pile of beach towels from last summer. Find sandals. Put sandals on and realize they leave toes uncovered. Get concerned about dropping heavy garden ornaments on exposed toes. Put sandals back in towel pile. Grab old pair of jogging shoes from garage.
Go into backyard. Open shed. Smell for dead rodents. Look for scorpions. Proceed.
Stop. Wipe spider web from forehead. Now rub spider web off of hand onto Ninties golf shorts. Go to garage to get gardening gloves and sombrero from Cuban vacation. Return to shed. Put gardening gloves on. Realize gardening gloves are wife’s gardening gloves. Put gloves on anyway. Rip wife’s gardening gloves. Curse quietly so wife doesn’t shout from back porch, “What’s wrong?” Put wife’s torn gardening gloves in pocket of Nineties golf shorts – not as easy as it sounds.
Proceed. Wipe spider web from lips. Look around shed. Realize spiders have filled shed with webs. Take sombrero off head and swing madly at webs while holding breath. Regain composure. Back out of shed. Go to garage and put sombrero in garbage. Pick up Valvoline baseball cap from beneath uninstalled deadbolt lock on shelf. Notice flashlight lost in 2004. Put flashlight in pocket of Nineties golf shorts – not as easy as it sounds. Go back to shed. Listen to wife yell, “Is that a flashlight in your pants or are you just happy to see me?” Think about mentioning torn gloves. Decide against it.
Re-enter shed. Bump head on leg of patio table turned on its side and stacked on six patio chairs. Kick patio table. Scream like little girl as patio table and six chairs fall on you. Say, “Nothing,” when wife yells, “What’s wrong?”
Crawl out from under patio furniture. Pick up table. Realize table just broke in two pieces. Curse. Remember table is in two pieces for ease of storage. Curse with a smile. Carry light half of table to patio followed by heavy half. Bang heavy half of table off shins. Do it four times. Put two halves of table together. Get chairs. Wonder what feeling is on leg. Look down to realize rainwater has been festering inside patio chairs for five months. Watch water run down leg into sock. Curse. Get soaker.
Go back to shed; get patio umbrella. Lift patio umbrella to free from tangle of lawn mower, chicken wire, fertilizer and extension cord. Slam top of umbrella into shed ceiling. Curse. Look up just in time to catch falling spider eggs and dead insects with face. Run screaming like little girl. Forget you are carrying a seven-foot patio umbrella. Break umbrella in two trying to fit through shed door. Impale left foot. Fall onto paving stone. Curse. Pray wife is taking a shower. Prayer answered.
Get up. Throw broken pieces of the umbrella into neighbour’s backyard. Invent story to tell neighbour about kids breaking into shed and stealing umbrella.
Look at heavy stone birdbath. Remind yourself to lift with knees. Pick up base of birdbath using biceps and back muscles only. Hear something pop, but do not drop stone base because it will crush foot. Run fast to birdbath place in far corner of backyard. Halfway there, realize spiders living on underside of stone base are now crawling up arm. Drop stone base. Crush foot. Fall to grass and roll in pain and to get spiders off. Roll over dog poop. Curse. Lie on grass to regain composure. Pray wife is still taking shower.
Start counting days until Winter. |
