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A Letter to President Bush Posting Date: Mar 30 2008 6:09PM Mr. George W. Bush
President
United States of America
White House
Washington, DC
Dear Mr. Bush –
First, please accept my apologies for my previous letters. You will find this one much different in both content and tone. I deeply regret most of the notes I have sent you in the past, though you have to admit that I did have a salient point about there only being one “u” in “nuclear.”
I write to you today looking for information. I figure you are the best person to ask because back in the 1950’s, one of your predecessors (that means one of the people who was president before you) came up with the idea for the U.S. interstate highway system. President Eisenhower’s idea, as it turns out, had significant impacts – both positive and negative – on many aspects of American life. I recently spent two days driving on your interstate system. I entered your country at the Canadian border (that’s the line that separates your country from my country) and drove through parts of New York (the state, not the city), Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina and South Carolina. It took about seventeen hours and now that I have reached the end, I have a few questions.
Driving through Pennsylvania and West Virginia, we saw a lot of deer. In fact, we lost count of the number of deer we saw. They were everywhere. In West Virginia, all of the deer we saw were alive. In Pennsylvania, on the other hand, many were dead. Is this because Pennsylvania deer are stupider, because drivers in Pennsylvania are meaner, or because road crews in West Virginia work harder?
You know those clothing racks that fit across the back seats of cars so you can hang about three months’ worth of dry cleaning back there as you drive? Can anyone use those racks, or is there a minimum age requirement?
McDonald’s restaurants always seem to have their store signs on the tallest masts possible. Is this a federally protected right, or does the protection occur on a state-by-state basis? Does McDonald’s simply have a guarantee that it will always be the highest sign, or are there limits on signs constructed by every other fast food place, motel and gas station?
Why do Americans need to have so many places to buy fireworks? I understand that near July 4th, Americans may want fireworks, but what happens in those stores the other fifty weeks of the year? Are there other fireworks holidays of which I am unaware? If so, what are the secret fireworks holidays and how have you kept them secret for so long with all those explosions and starbursts going on?
Once a person gets south of Pittsburgh, what changes to make biscuits such a prominent food group? Is it the warmer weather? Do biscuits help cool the body through some secret physiological process?
During my drive, I paid three separate tolls. The amounts were $2.00, $1.25 and 25 cents. Just to let you know, if I had the option at the border, I would have gladly handed over $10.00 to avoid toll booths altogether. I figure this could be a big money-maker for you guys because $10.00 is significantly more than the $3.50 in total that I spent on tolls under the current system. Ask Dick Cheney to check my sums if you don’t believe me. Believe me, this idea is pure gold. Imagine – no more pesky toll-collecting staffers, no more rolling your quarters. Just get the woman who checks my passport to grab a ten-spot from me at the same time. Eisenhower has his legacy, this could be yours.
Think about it. Right now, every presidential candidate – even the one from your own party – is pretty much running on a platform of undoing, for the good of the country, everything that you did during your presidency. If you instituted the ten-dollar-omnibus-toll (TDOT or, as we like to say here at SundayMonkey, the T-Dot), it would be a political golden goose. Not even Barack Obama would want to change that.
Trust me on this one, Mr. President. I’m just trying to help.
Regards,
Mr. SundayMonkey
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